i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
