he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
