My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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