Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
