hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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