guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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