shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
