I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
