what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
