I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
