well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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