My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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