He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
