i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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