I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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