If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
