he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
