mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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