I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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