I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
