bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
