chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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Im part way to drunk.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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