My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
