Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
