mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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