please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
