is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
