Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
