I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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