Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
