good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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