Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
