his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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