i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
