she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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