I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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