I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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