...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
