Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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