and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
