Cold hands, warm shart.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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