thus making me awesome and them whores
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
