Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
