i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
