just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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