Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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