Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
