We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
