apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
