he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
