1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
