as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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