my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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