Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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